Between Venus and Mars
Here’s a lively, lengthy discussion via email that touches on many relevant issues to readers of How To Date Young Women:
Pete Sez: I disagree with you about John Gray. I've found his books very helpful in understanding how women think. I don't believe his books are intended to seduce the opposite sex, rather more help in terms of communication.
Steele Sez: What I said about John Gray was that he is a loser who writes not from personal experience.
He was The Maharishi’s go-fer for 20 years! A virgin at 40! Married and divorced and re-married. He hasn’t a clue. This guy, like 99% of self-help authors, is a fraud! He is, and was, and always will be, a failure with women his entire life! He does not offer one practical bit of behavior that will change anything. Physician heal thyself!
What I didn't say is that like How To Pickup Girls, he has a million dollar title. He brilliantly repackaged every self-help psychobabble book ever written. He has hit all of the hot buttons that were pre-programmed by writers who put their tripe out before him. He, like all pop psych “writers” aims at the second most lucrative book market. It is known as The Frustrated Female audience. Promise to solve their problem and they will buy your book. Only trash romance novels outsells this category.
Pete Sez: I always thought that he is gay when watching him on his Infomercials despite the fact he is married. That's why I thought he had such good insight into the female-male communication problem. I expected he was bisexual, and could thereby relate to both sexes. I would still recommend his books, even to you. They are quite valid to my experiences.
Steele Sez: Not bisexual, asexual. No threat to women or men. In short, he's a wimp. As to communicating as "valid" I don't know if you have read Office Politics, but I explain in there why men and women can never have clear, precise communication. Take a look at that section. If you don’t have Office Politics, get it. You will learn much about the “communication” problem as well as male-female working relationships. The second best place to meet women.
None of this means that Gray cannot help you and others. It only means I have no respect for him. Fritz Perles was an asshole in person but he did more to help people than all other therapists combined just by creating Gestalt Psychological Theory. Whatever works for you, works.
Pete Sez: He plagiarized several other sources. One is a book called, You Just Don't Understand by a PhD sociologist.
Steele Sez: Deborah Tannen! Another unchained feminist from academia, not the real world, making gizillions telling foolish females who blame men for their problems exactly what they want to hear. Once again, see Office Politics. I trash her nonsense solution to getting along at home and in the office which is, “Men have to learn how to speak womanese!” Egad!
Pete Sez: I was quoting some things from Badalamenti's book, in terms of sending emotional content into women's psyche. Like your mentor Branden. I think he means that women respond on an emotional, non-verbal level to men.
Steele Sez: Branden’s position, and mine, is that romance and love are emotional, not rational, thus one communicates emotionally and responds to emotional communication with emotion.
Pete Sez: Badalamenti feels (and I agree) that woman respond to the logical in men, and to a certain extent, to the aggressive side of men because women lack these characteristics or have repressed them.
Steele Sez: Only aggressive males survive! Women want their offspring to survive. As stated in all of my books, no female of any species of mammal mates with non-aggressive males except for the few whacked out females of homo sapiens who want a (safe) passive male like John Gray or Alan Alda or Phil Donahue.
You must be aggressive to demonstrate that you have genes that will survive.
Women repress anger and rage only because it is not culturally acceptable. In hunter-gather clans, women express anger as do the females in our nearest primate relatives. Another great book for understanding us is Chimpanzee Politics. It's quoted in The Moral Animal.
Pete Sez: Women first want an interest in them as people, and sex-objects second.
Steele Sez: Women want to know that you find then interesting and attractive. Few, if any, want to be sex objects. During your initial contact, she is judging you. Thus, you have to demonstrate, to quote my favorite author, that your are (1) safe (2) interesting (3) attractive. By being assertive and approaching her, you have demonstrated that you find her interesting and attractive.
After that, you must pass her tests. She has what you want. You are the supplicant! (Get these 3 sentences and you will do much better, forever.)
Pete Sez: I believe this would be a survival benefit, because any woman who lets herself be used solely as a sex object would be discarded quickly by most men.
Steele Sez: She would be fucked all the time by all types of men and cared for by none. None would care for her children.
Women are not worried about their own survival. They are trying to get their DNA into the future as all females of all species are. To do that, they must get pregnant by a strong, powerful male who has great genes.
Read the appendix of Body Language Secrets to understand the fundamentals of courtship that are built into our psyche as well as into our every instinct and drive.
Pete Sez: Undoubtedly sex is a woman's weapon to first interest the male, and then secondly, manipulate and control.
Steele Sez: Manipulation is their way of life. Why? Because they cannot match males physically, that is, can’t force their will on men.
Women compete using any method they have for the most desirable males. The most desirable males are the ones who can provide the best chance of survival for her as well as the baby, her baby in particular.
Weapons? More like “tools.” All they have is their attractiveness and desirability. What makes them attractive? What makes them desirable? Coy? Flirt? Chase Me? Cute and witty? Sophisticated conversation? Whatever the desirable man wants is what she uses. She figures out what’s needed instinctively. Why? Because her brain is wired differently than your brain! She has the advantage.
Pete Sez: I think the idea of "love" for women simply represents the idea that she sees a lover as someone who will make sacrifices for her (and ultimately her children) in return for sexual favors. The stronger the emotional display the better. The more persistent without being needy, the better.
Steele Sez: Love conquers all! Love is the grandest emotion, worth living for and sometimes, worth dying for. Women without children want love, grand love, overwhelming, powerful, lustful, dynamic love! Love sweeps them away, and you too, if you're doing it right.
What you stated above, if you interchange "husband" for "love" and say that women over 30 who have been divorced from their college sweetheart, then you're right.
I’m not certain what your last two sentences mean. I think you mean that the woman wants the man to be strongly interested and persistent. If so, you bet your ass she does. That’s how you pass her tests.
However, timing is crucial. Too much, too strong, too soon and you lose. See all the warnings in How to Date Young Women and in the newsletters at my website about being “too” anything, “too soon.” It is fatal when she sees you as an attractive “older” man.
Time Out!
Old Man: in the confessional. "Father, I've been married for 52 years. I'm a grandfather 12 times. But last night I had hot sex with my neighbor's 18 year old daughter in the back yard. An hour later, I did it with her 17 year old sister. My god it was wonderful. Then I did it again with both of them at the same time. Oh my."
Father Delaney: "How long since you've been to confession, my son?"
Old Man: "Oh, I've never been. I'm Jewish!"
Father Delaney: "You're Jewish! Why are you telling this to me?"
Old Man: "I'm telling everyone!"
Confidence breeds success: Each week I get several letters from guys who say they lack confidence. They have read How to Date Young Women, so they know that “Confidence comes only from success. Success comes from being relaxed. Relaxation comes only from confidence.” However, it is not Catch 22.
I ask them to re-read how to develop The Right Attitude and then remind them that this is a common, but fixable problem. Here’s what I suggest.
Nathaniel Branden’s self-esteem books and tapes are powerful and effective in building your confidence. Enroll in Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends courses. They are expensive but many readers and clients got marvelous results. If you can't afford the classes, read his books and get his tapes from the library.
Another easy and inexpensive way to improve your confidence plus enrich your physical presence, is to join Toastmasters as prescribed for all young men and young women in Office Politics. Stay involved for a year. The ideal is to join two different chapters so that you get a twice a week dose of it.
Get books and audio tapes on the power of visualization. These techniques will help you see yourself as confident, thus your subconscious will believe you are confident.
Change of any kind must be made by ensuring that you are taking small risks, but ones that will most likely be successful. Design your own series of small, concrete, attainable goals. If you attempt to go from shy to extrovert-charmer in one step you will only set yourself back!
After you get the books and tapes and have taught yourself the fundamentals of visualizing, the next key step is to become more assertive, one small, concrete step at a time. Here’s some homework. Your first visualizing exercise is to see yourself reading the book below.
Buy immediately and read immediately When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, Manuel Smith. At the same time, assert yourself and locate Assertiveness Training classes in your area. Enroll immediately. You will become far more confident and at the same time much more interesting, thus more desirable. The self-defeating cycle is broken.
Re-read Body Language Secrets a minimum of three times, taking notes. Become acutely aware of your own body language! Begin standing like you are confident and relaxed! Start sitting like you are confident and relaxed. Gradually those postures will become natural and part of the real you. (I agree with Behaviorists on a few things!) Rehearsing this with immediate corrective feedback is one of the most helpful things Joanna and I teach and stress in the Formal Seminars.
90 Day Wonder
I thought you would like to hear from a “student.” Put this in your newsletter so guys can see something other than mistakes! Don’t put the pix in!
The enclosed photo is of Stacey, who I was able to meet and date for an incredible mind blowing other worldly, intense steamy, hot, passionate, romantic, an otherwise fantastic three month period. That sounds short but seemed much, much longer.
I have been following your teachings and corresponded with you for several years now. I’ve done my best to study, practice and think deeply about all the things you learned the hard way and I’ve diligently tried to drill the main points into my head. This time it paid big dividends, D size to be exact.
Stacey worked as a manicurist at the shop that I went to for hair cuts. The first time I saw her, I freaked because she was, and is, so, so beautiful. She was dating someone but they were having troubles.
Immediately from that first day, I adopted and maintained the right attitude, meaning that I was somewhat aloof, slightly interested, maybe would go out with her but was not dying to and would not die if I never did. Of course, I was cordial. When I’d go in I’d say, “Hi Stacey,” and when I’d be on the way out I’d say “Bye, Stacey,” and would speak to her a little sometimes but would always break it off, had to be somewhere, you know.
I guess you’d say that it took a siege mentality because this went on for months. One day a guy I know who goes to the same shop told me Stacey was asking him questions about me since she knew that we know each other. She told him that she was interested in me and would like to date me, and so forth.
It got real hard, not only the obvious thing, but it got real hard to maintain the right attitude. Honestly I was scared that I’d screw up. What I did was get out my dog-eared copy of How to Date for a quick re-read, and then vacuumed the newsletters for any hints that would be helpful.
I called her at work and said the following in the middle of the conversation, “Stacey, I’m going to see Titanic tonight. Why don’t you come with me.” She responded in the super affirmative and that began the three incredible months.
Of course I made mistakes. I’m still not an expert. At least now when I make a mistake I have learned enough to realize what I did wrong almost as soon as I did it. I was even able to nip some of them in the bud.
So many things you teach were dead on. Just as you preach, I now also can say that one of the biggest, most powerful things is the right attitude. Man, just that is worth my weight in Gold. You can’t chase!!
I can’t tell you how many guys chased her while I was sitting back keeping the right attitude. I’d be over there getting my hair cut and would see a guy hanging out at her station trying to impress her or get her number or ask her out only to crash and burn like an F-105 over Hanoi.
That’s tough to watch because inside you feel like that guy was getting the jump on you. Let me tell you, Don, some of those guys were buffed out and drove cool cars. Beamers and such. You know the type, first name of Randy, I believe. I just kept my faith in what you teach and it paid off.
I can’t tell you how great if felt to think how they all screwed up with her while I was in the middle of that interplanetary voyage with Stacey.
Another big thing that was made real clear that you teach and preach, and I learned this for myself out “in the field” was that if they are beautiful for God’s sake don’t tell them that they are. 1: They already know that. 2: They have already been told that a bizillion times. 3: That’s all they’ve ever been told. 4: You look bad when you say that because it gives them power over you and they don’t like that or respect that.
One night when the steam was rising, she stopped for a minute and said, “Could you do me a favor?” I said, “Sure, what?” She said, “Please don’t compliment me any more. It makes me feel uncomfortable, okay?”
So there you have it straight from the horse’s mouth. But there you are, so overcome by youth and beauty that you want to give voice to the thoughts and feelings and because you are such a “nice guy.”
Sexually, another of your lessons was learned. That is if you are in it for her pleasure, that blows her mind. The last guy never gave her head. Like you said he just wanted blow jobs. I was a big hit when she realized I wasn’t like that.
It gets really tough to maintain the right attitude after you get into it, literally and figuratively. Hence the need for those balls of steel. I had an instance where she was being a bitch, showing her ass to everyone one, left and right. When we got back to her place she assumed I would be a good little boy if she rubbed my cock with her tonsils as part of my training and conditioning cycle to learn to put up with her shitty behavior. Believe me it took balls of depleted uranium to do this, but instead I told her I thought she’d be better off by herself and left. I was as diplomatic as could be, but she knew exactly what was going on!
That blew me away all by itself to know that there is this complex power struggle going on and she knew I was not going to let her win.
The next day or two I thought I had screwed up because she acted like she wanted to break up because I left her that night. Even though I was dying inside, I didn’t show it and kept up the right attitude. I told myself I started out with it and it got me this far, so I acted like that would be okay with me, acted upbeat, like it wasn’t going to cause me a ripple. The next day, she even came over to pick up her stuff that was at my place, cooking stuff, clothes, underwear, cosmetics. I stayed upbeat with the right attitude, mentally telling myself that, “Remember, you told yourself you were going to enjoy this for as long as it would last and when it came crumbling down you were going to thank God for having been able to be with her.”
Then she left. I was smiling all the while. That night about 10:30 she called and asked me what I did all day. I told her I had gone bike riding with my friend. We went to Baskin Robbins and then walked around the mall. She was talking sweet and by the time we got back we were back together again. Once again faith in what I learn pulled me through.
Yes, I fell head over heels in love and she did too. It was great times a million. When we broke up for good and the end of love came, it almost crushed me inside, but I’d definitely do it again because that high is like you say, so high. Her 24 years, her youth, helped get out of my rut and into a better place mentally and helped me get with it better in dress and cologne. She loved Chrome by Azzaro. She really loved to sit on my face, but more on that some other time.
I haven’t ever been married but some of my good friends are now divorced and trying to get back out there. It is pathetic. Believe me, I’m no expert but I have been able to grasp some of your brutal lessons. I try to tell these guys the things you say but they don’t listen. They maintain, “I’m just going to go up to her and tell her that’s she’s pretty and ask her out.” They get shot down and feel hurt and can’t understand why she didn’t like that and go for it.
I tell them that you can’t talk to her unless you have some reason or unless she’s showing interest. I think I am talking Japanese! They don’t hear what I am telling them.
I look forward to every newsletter. It is the only truth in the world full of bullshit on this subject. I will be back in touch in the future, just as I have over the past several years. - Name withheld by request
Steele sez!: Gentlemen, I have the photo! Stacey is a solid 10. With D’s an 11! Way to go! Patience is not a virtue. It is mandatory, to quote my favorite author.
2-Hour video: Body Language And Dress For Success
Available from Steel Balls Press:
Joanna is spectacular! Frank! Funny! Bold! Honest! We captured everything by taping with two cameras the entire time. We shot it before a large group of guys who own How to Date Young Women and are interested in Joanna’s forthcoming book Dress For Success With Young Women.
Joanna, volunteers from the audience and I demonstrate the key signs of interest and disinterest, both from across the room and when engaged in verbal intercourse.
Joanna presents her views on No no’s, Hair, Teeth and any subject the guys wanted to hear about: her comments ranged from sex with young women through toupees, SUVs, pickup trucks, t-shirts, jeans, sideburns, music, hair dyes, long hair, sports cars, earrings, Dockers, penny loafers, and on and on. Extremely informative as well as fun and entertaining. I also have a tightly edited 90-minute audio cassette of the highlights of the day.
After watching the video, slam in the audio tape while you drive. I am a firm believer in repetition as the key to learning this indispensable skill of courtship and dating.
See it. Listen to it. Understand it. Retain it. Watch it again. Make notes. Listen to it again. Read the book again. Within a few weeks, the entire subject is burned into your memory. Then, when you are sitting in a cafe doing Body Language Secrets homework (watching couples and not listening to the words) your storehouse of information is readily available. BAM! Body Language becomes something you speak, read, transmit and receive! $39.95 postpaid via priority mail.
Tongue tied solutions
There is this pretty worker of 27 at the herbal store. We talk as I pay for something but the conversation never goes too far. I reread body language often and it seems that she looks slightly long at me and I sense some interest. But, in the middle of our conversations I get tongue tied and actually stumble over words and get self-conscious. I feel that she can notice my nervousness.
Can a women pick up on that? Friends have told me I do not come off nervous even though it sure feels like it. My mouth gets all twisted (it seems). Has this ever happened to you? If so what can be done about it?
Steele sez!: Yes, women can pick up on it. Yes, it has happened to me. As to what can be done about it, first we have to identify what the cause is.
At age 58 with mega years experience at just about every damn thing, I don’t get tongue-tied any more. When I was way younger and far less experienced, I got tongue tied all the time.
What does that tell us? When one is not confident, one gets nervous. When one gets nervous, one’s tongue gets in front of one’s eye teeth and one can’t see what one is saying.
How do you gain confidence? By being successful again and again and again. How do you become successful over and over? You know what you are doing and how to do it. How do you learn how to do it? By following the step by step instructions with women your age. When you fail, you step back and figure out what you did wrong, then try again, learning from your mistakes until you get it right.
If you don’t learn how to do it with women your age first, you will never get any place with young women. Why?
Because you don’t know what you are doing so you are not confident. That makes you nervous. Your tongue gets tied.
A young woman does not want to talk with a nervous man who stumbles over his words. Why? Because she is already scared and nervous talking with someone old enough to be her father. If you’re nervous, it magnifies her nervousness to the point that she wants out, now.
Beyond that possibility, which is fatal, all young women who would consider taking an older lover want a Man. They are not worried that his “too old.” They want a Man, an older man.
A Man is confident and relaxed. A Man is slightly aloof. He may or may not be interested in her. She’ll never know until she goes out on a pseudo date with him.
When a 43 year old guy is nervous, her intuition tells that he is hot for her. She knows she’s got you! She has the satisfaction of knowing she can attract older men. Therefore, she doesn’t have to go on a pseudo date with you to find out if you are interested in her. The End.
In short, you are way ahead of yourself. Take care of Mr. Happy. Move down the age ladder gradually. Body Language Secrets won’t do you any good with young women until you are relaxed and confident enough to talk with them in a slow, easy casual manner. Then, and only then, will you be able to have a conversation that is long enough for her to send you a cluster of gestures signifying interest or disinterest.
Gifts and body language
There is someone I work with that I am quite fond of. There isn't too much office politics involved because it's a part time position.
Whenever we talk, things go great. Unfortunately, there isn't too much opportunity to chat, since things are usually always hectic.
I decided to go out on a limb and buy her a little gift. Nothing big, really, a little chocolate egg with a plastic toy inside.
She really seemed to love it! But I'm wondering if she loved it because someone just gave her a gift, or if it's because the gift was from me. What would be some body language signs I could look out for? - Name withheld by request
Steele sez!: The only way to know if she liked the gift because it was from you is to know if she is interested and attracted to you. The only way to know that is to interact with her and watch for the signs of interest during conversation.
Study Body Language Secrets. Do the homework. Become extremely aware of your own body language. Practice sitting and standing and talking just as if you are relaxed and confident, mildly interested and slightly aloof. Pretend you are an actor. Then, practice, practice, practice.
Tip: When you become acutely aware of your own body language, you automatically become acutely aware of everyone else’s.
Goatee or not to goatee
I have dated few women, and what meager skill I had has atrophied after being in two consecutive long-term relationships, spanning nearly 20 years. Now, I'm starting over at 39 years of age. Your books really opened my eyes. I was naive about what it takes to get a woman interested.
My first order of business is to try and build better self-confidence and make myself more attractive. Physically, I am 5'9", 145. I always had a small frame, and 23 years of long distance running have kept me skinny. I am beginning to lift weights to try to attain a more masculine body. My face is not particularly masculine, and in an attempt to try disguising my weak chin, I recently grew a short goatee (a full beard wouldn't work for me, it grew in so patchy and thin it looked terrible.
You listed goatees as absolutely forbidden. But this is the only way I know how to make my face look at least a little more masculine. So which is better, weak chin and clean-shaven or the dreaded goatee? I'd appreciate your advice. - J. Trader, Washington DC
Steele sez!: I carefully explain that facial hair makes you look old or like a left-over hippy. Then, I clarify that if you have certain features that make you look better with a beard, mustache or even sideburns, you’re supposed to go for it. The question is, who is the judge of if you look better?
Hint: Your opinion doesn’t count for diddly. The opinion you want is what young women think. How do you know which looks best, with goatee or without? Ask them!
You gotta find women who knew you before and after the goatee and get some feedback, good old feedback. If you don’t have any women who knew you before, line up a jury of women you know now. It is best if they do not know each other so they can’t compare notes. While you have the goatee, tell them you’re going to shave it off and want their frank, honest opinion on which way you look best. Then shave it and listen to the jury’s decision.
My mandate against goatees is in the Updated Helpful Hints of the Revised Edition. It goes with the warning to not attempt to look young by growing a goatee like young men do. Goatees are trendy! If you are trendy, it makes you look like a 55-year old woman with bleached blonde hair wearing the latest fashions like mini-skirts. You get laughed at or dismissed as trying to look young or trying to be hip and happening. Fatal when pursuing young women.
In your situation, it is crucial that you do not attempt to date young women until you are successfully dating and mating with women near your own age, then slightly younger and so on down the age ladder as explained.
Crescent publications interview Steel
Don talks with the Managing Editor of Playgirl, Cheri, Hawk and Live Young Girls for a solid 30 minutes! (Bonus! One full hour of excerpts from Seminars, TV Shows, Radio Shows!) Get this audio tape of the entire interview, uncut, uncensored!
As always, brutal honesty: Dealing with their post-adolescent angst. What happens to them at 25 after exposure to Randy RedPorsche. Why Don Steele tells his readers the truth - “Why you’ll only be able to date 10 percent of them. This is not easy. You will not be getting laid a few days after reading my books. It takes time, patience and persistence.”
The ideal young woman for a 40ish divorced guy. Why you have to be a Man and why nothing less will work. The foundations of Body Language Secrets and his work with Nathaniel Branden. Why young women are so subtle in the beginning and how to recognize and deal with that. Mandatory review of On Not Being Too Nice and what Don has learned since 1987. Prevent yourself from being “too nice.” $9.95 via first class.
Two hour video tape: Don Steele Versus TV Talk Show Hosts Plus! Body Language From Seminars.
Watch me battle Jenny Jones, Jane Whitney, Montel Williams and the ball busters in their audiences. Everybody loves this! Me too! And, after the shows, I added home video from my seminars on body language. The basics are covered so you’re prepared to notice what she’s saying without words. During courtship, the most important messages are sent that way!
Jenny Jones attempts to ambush me because I’m a TV virgin. But, I manage to get in many key points, and some of the finer points, in spite of the bitch.
After losing my TV cherry, I was on with Jane Whitney. During this show, I generate support from a few of the better looking young women! I explain how, who and why as I give my views and ideas.
By the time I made it to Montel Williams, I had figured out TV’s con game. The hosts, in cahoots with paid shills in the audience, bash male guests because housewives watching TV are pissed off at their husbands or ex-husbands.
I’m ready as I lay in wait for the angry, middle-age, ugly ball busters to step into my trap! You’ll enjoy it!
With each show, you learn more about why young women are the best and more about how to find, meet, talk with and date them. Plus, as you watch me handle the loaded questions and the enraged women in the audience, you’ll become more confident about dealing with the same type of crap.
After the last TV show, home video from seminars gives you some fundamental body language. It’s a good primer and gets you prepared to notice her basic signals and postures. This is the perfect complement to Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship And Dating.
Make some popcorn, grab a six pack. Delight in the spectacle as you learn while being entertained. $24.
Woman of Steel Balls
Jane is 28. She bought my book, Body Language Secrets and read How To Date Young Women, Volume I. She recently joined my online discussion group. Here is a lively exchange that covers many issues that are crucial to understanding, then dating young women. Much of it applies to guys under 35, too.
June Sez: In your books, men are advised not to be vulnerable or show failings. I like vulnerable men myself. In an old movie, Young at Heart, Sinatra plays a down on his luck guy. All he does is sulk. He also does this in other old movies. You also get this sense from a really cool CD he has: The Wee Small Hours of the Morning. In this movie, he has his failings, but he is soooo sexy, you want to help him become the man he can be. I know these are movies, but why do you think that men should not show their failings and shortcomings? Doesn't it make them human? Is not honesty, a good thing?
Steele Sez: Egad! Sulking Sinatra? First, let me digress for the sake of the Men Of Steel Balls. Then I'll get down to answering this. Women like Men, not boys. Women like strong, brave, powerful, important, successful, manly Men. At least the women I am interested in and assume that Men of Steel Balls are interested in. If you want a woman who thinks a sulking loser is sexy, what can I say. Get a book called How To Be The Sulking Loser That Women Love.
Define the woman you want. Write it down. Make her concrete. Describe her looks, her values, her goals, her plans and her dreams. Does she like herself. Is she proud of who she is and what she is? What is important to her? Values determine goals. If she wants and is attracted to man who sulks and is a loser in life, that tells you she has a different set of values than you. Self-esteem determines what kind of person we think we deserve.
Brando as Johnny in The Wild Bunch appeals to many women. Nicholson as Randall P. McMurphy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest appeals to many women. Leonardo DiWhatever in Titanic has wide appeal to women. What do you think is going on? Do they want to marry him? Or do they want to be female to his male?
The point of all this? We all have an envelope of traits, characteristics, and physical appearance that determines if we are attracted or not. For example, my envelope on female height is between 4'8" and 6'1" the 60th percentile is between 5'0' and 5'10. The 90 percentile is between 5'3 and 5'8'. Honesty and courage are mandatory, non-negotiable traits. Cocaine, heroin and speed are non-negotiable no no's. Cigarettes are very close to intolerable but might be tolerable should she be in the 90 percentile in all other areas. Intelligence must be above average. I prefer 120 and up IQ but there have be a few wonderful exceptions. Extroverted is great. Introverted is impossible. Get the idea?
Now, that's for a woman I could fall in love with. However, for a wild fling of less than six months, I don't have too many no no's. Heroin etc are out! I hate bleached hair but I've been there for a few months once. Never even dated a woman with false fingernails. Something about that gives me bad vibes.
It's the same for a woman. She might want to live with a sulking loser for a few months, so what? But what if that's her dream husband? Men! We are talking about values! If you want a role model, think of someone you know who is a Man. A relative, a co-worker etc. Movie stars are not what you should try to emulate. Above all be yourself, at your best. You want to be loved for the real you, not somebody you pretend to be. If the real you is a guy who wants to put her on a pedestal, wait until three years after the wedding, then go very slowly and gradually.
June Sez: In your books men are advised not to be vulnerable or show failings.
Steele Sez: Short version: Control yourself or she controls you. Longer Answer: As to showing failings? Now if you mean to be a real human being who is not perfect, I advocate that to the nth. However, don't lead with your failings. Don't pretend you are perfect and don't pretend you know everything.
Smart guys stop and ask for directions. They don't just keep acting like they know what they are doing. A Man who says without shame, "I don't know," is half way to wisdom. (Extremely unusual, by the way. See Office Politics for a detailed explanation on how to use this macho-stupidity to your advantage.)
Women do not admire weakness, whininess, wimpiness, etc. If they do, they need to take in stray cats and care for them, not males who can't take care of themselves.
June Sez: I like vulnerable men myself.
Steele Sez: I advocate being vulnerable one small step at a time. Both for men and women. Gradually reveal more intimate layers. Do not go from, "Hi, how are you. Nice party. I'm just started therapy for my hand washing compulsion. How 'bout you?
June Sez: Sinatra in that movie has his failings, but he is soooo sexy, you want to help him become the man he can be.
Steele Sez: In How to Date Young Women you may remember I have quite a section on not attempting to change or save anyone. Those who what to destroy themselves, will find a way. The quote is: "In my experience you can't save anyone."
June Sez: I know these are movies, but why do you think - if I am right - that men should not show their failings and short comings? Doesn't it make them human? Is not honesty, a good thing?
Steele Sez: (This response applies to women and men.) The other person must earn and deserve what you show her about the real you. She must earn and deserve to be let into your secret heart of hearts. This is not done for months and months. You both gradually learn to trust by demonstrating through action, not words, reliability and honesty and loyalty.
June Sez: Also guys, you think what kind of car you drive is important. I, and my friends, do not. The only kind of woman who does, is not worth going near.
Steele Sez: If he came to pick you up in a thrashed Pinto with a broken out rear window, what would you think then?
June Sez: A Pinto with a broken window, no. A car that is clean without dents, yes. But a guy does not have to have a Porsche.
Steele Sez: What he drives says something loud and clear to the world. What do you think he's saying if he comes for you in a big, red, dually truck with darkened windows, chrome wheels and lowered all around four inches? How bout a Cadillac Sedan Deville Brougham four-door Fleetwood, pink, like Mary Kay and large white walls? How 'bout a 9-passenger, green Oldsmobile nine-passenger station wagon with a Confederate Flag on the front bumper? How about a black Corvette? How bout a red Corvette? How about a Volvo station wagon with a child's car seat? The choice of automobile reveals character, just as the way he dresses.
In closing, you have the right to go out with a man who drives a two-ton Dodge Ram pickup with cow horns on the hood and a shotgun in a gun rack across the back window. Would you?
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