On Mars
Here are two quotes you can take to the First National Bank of Love:
- All behavior, no matter how innocent looking, self-destructive, or neurotic, is goal directed. - Nathaniel Branden cum Aristotle
- There are few, if any, accidents. Sigmund Freud
During the chess match of courtship, the female makes moves with very little, if any, conscious calculating. Men must realize that in this game females have an immense advantage. A man's brain wiring prevents a rapid, perceptive analysis of her moves. Worse, his masculine brain and the male hormones it is bathed in, cause him to have a radically different internal, emotional, psychological reality that the female. But the man's handicap doesn't end there!
His masculine internal reality causes him to literally see a different external reality that the woman sees! For example, they both can look at the same thing, say a new car parked by the curb or a man walking down the street holding a newborn infant in his arms. Their differing internal realities as well as evolution's mandated different sexual agendas prevent men and women from seeing the same thing out there in the real world.
Since he is not living on the same planet as she is, literally and figuratively, he does not understand much of what she is doing or saying, or not saying or not doing. That's because on his planet, the agenda is different than on her planet. By agenda, I include not just priorities, but goals, purposes, values, standards, morals, justice, honor and such.
So, during the courtship chess match, when she says or does X, he goes into his male brain and attempts to figure out what to do. Differing agendas often cause him to completely misread what her True Intentions were when she made her move.
As if that were not bad enough, realize that nobody wants to get hurt again. So to further complicate communications, stir into this mix some painful past experiences the man has had with previous females, beginning with mother. Slowly add painful past experiences the female has had with previous males beginning with father.
Back to the chess match of courtship. The woman makes a move intuitively, without calculating, considering the consequences or any such "logical" process. The move is usually a test of the man's strength and self-confidence.
Why? She has been programmed by Mother Nature to only mate with strong males who have the ability to survive. In her evolutionary psychology, she knows she will only have a few children. Thus, she has to be picky because she wants her DNA to get to the future with the best possible chance for survival. Weak, passive males are not useful for this task. She tests the steel content of his balls immediately and often. To be chosen by the female, the male must pass her tests.
After reading this article he will know that this strange action she has just taken is not meaningless because he will remember:
- All behavior, no matter how innocent looking, self-destructive, or neurotic, is goal directed.
- There are few, if any, accidents.
Even knowing that she's trying to reach some goal is sometimes not helpful. The young man, inexperienced man, or recently divorced man instantly reacts to what she did. That instantly reveals what he is really like.
He reacts because he is not capable of instantly figuring out in his "logical" male brain what she's doing and why. And, he is not used to playing chess! So he just reacts, which is exactly what she wants all males to do when she tests them. She wants to know, "Are you a real man or what? Show me what you're made of!"
If she evaluates his response as something a "real man" would do she permits him to continue with the courtship. No matter, he can, and will be, dismissed instantly by the female at any point in the courtship when his reply to her test announces, in the female's view, "I'm controllable. I'm weak. I'm immature. I need you desperately."
There are hundreds of other ways to fail her innumerable, everlasting tests. There is only one way to pass any test. You must respond like a "real man." See How to Date Young Women, Volume I the chapter titled The Right Attitude. Here's a small excerpt:
Without the right attitude you won't get anywhere even if you are slim and trim, looking good, living in the right complex, driving a beige Jag, listening to her music, working in a new company, partying with young friends and dating 32 year olds.
Young women are attracted to a man who won't kiss ass. They are strongly drawn by indifference, feigned or real. She will date you, an older man, only if you're friendly, aloof, relaxed, powerful and confident.
Your unspoken attitude is: "I am the catch here, not you. I'm not going to chase you. Sure I'm friendly, I'm friendly with all the girls. Yeah, I'm somewhat interested. It might be possible if you, young lady, play your cards right. Well, gotta go, there's a nice young woman waiting for me. Catch you later. By the way, you're not bad."
Later, it's still unspoken: "Going out with me is natural. I'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me. You have a choice, a man or lots of boys. Well, gotta go, there's a nice young woman waiting for me. She likes what I do with her. You will too, when you grow up."
And even later, still unspoken, it's: "If not tonight, no biggie, we will. I'm in no hurry. Let's watch TV for awhile."
Finally, spoken, it's: "No. I have plans tonight. Look, I've said this before. I don't like anyone coming over without calling first. Please don't do it again, okay. What? Sure, I'll call you."
Joke time out
Why do women have such a hard time finding a man who is good looking, sensitive and caring? Those men already have a boyfriend.
Listen to Joanna and Don on the radio from Hawaii. Scroll down and click on Listen now to archived shows and Body Language.
Rule number one
Don't Go Duck Hunting In A Snake Pit. In other words, stay outta bars! That includes singles' bars, disco bars, hustle bars, titty bars, hostess bars. All bars.
This bit of wisdom was contributed by Richard "Das Boot," member of the MOSB Online Discussion Group. He, like most of us, including me, learned this lesson the hard way.
Self-esteem quiz: This short test was prompted by so many men causing themselves problems by not being assertive about answering the phone or answering a knock on the door. The quiz and my answers are posted . Save yourself a tremendous amount of future grief. Take the quiz and learn from it. I have received about 50 emails thanking me for clarifying something that has obviously been a pain in the ass for many a man.
All or nothing
Here's a young woman's theory on any man's motivation to date a woman and why Nice Guys crash and burn. My reply follows. See the first article in this issue about being from different planets:
JT Sez: Talking to guy friends I must say, that most men either like a woman a lot or not at all. Women do not think either/or. We do not have to like a guy "A LOT" to date him. In fact, we do not like most of the men we date a lot at the start. We want you to start out slow. We like to go slow, because we don't know if we will like you a lot. That's the reason for something called courtship.
The difference between the sexes could be the reason why there is no courtship between gay men. They like each other and go to bed or they do not like each other. End of story.
A guy told me his rule: I don't spend a dime on a woman until I have slept with her. You spend big bucks, they leave.
NO shit!! If you like the guy a little, you do not want to sleep with him any more than you want him to spend money on you. Spending money and buying roses says "I like you a lot."
But if the woman likes him only a little and the guy likes her a lot, the woman gets scared off or feels guilty for going out with a guy who likes her more than she likes him.
When she sleeps with you, she likes you a lot. Then if you spend big $$ and act like you like her a lot, since she likes you back the same, it works. But if you go overboard, and you act as if you like her more than she likes you, she leaves. That is one of the reasons nice guys fuck up.
Nice guys, being men, think: "She likes me a lot or not at all. Since she's going out with me, she must like me a lot." So he treats her like the feeling is mutual. He is acting natural for what he feels, but since she does not feel the same way about him, it looks to her like he is going overboard. So, after a date, she blows him off because she gets scared off, feels guilty, or thinks he is worthless because if he valued himself he wouldn't go overboard over a women he does not even know.
The Nice Guy walks way and says she played Rapo or thinks she must like guys who treat her like shit.
It is not that we want to get treated like shit, but that we do not want a guy to go overboard from the get go if we only like him a little. That's how we feel about most guys at the beginning.
No woman, from the start, has powerful romantic feelings for a guy she just met. I mean, when you think about it, a couple on a first or second date are really strangers who have made slightly more than small talk.
So my idea is that when a man, nice guy or normal guy, dates a woman he either like her a lot or he wouldn't date her.
That is why Don wants you to have three pearls: So you do not go overboard with one YW. Right?
Steele Comments: As you can see, men and women don't see the same world when they look "out there." Men see a woman "out there" based on his agenda. Women see a man "out there" based on her agenda.
That's what enables women to be Rapo (as in Rape-o) artists/players. The man does not have to like her a lot. All he has to do is see her as fuckable.
For those who don't know what Rapo is, here's a short version. Woman dresses seductively, talks with the man seductively and acts seductively. The man finally says, "Let's go over to my place and you can look at the ceiling." She recoils in horror and says loud enough for others to hear, "What kind of girl do you think I am?" and stomps away.
Everyone knows (1) She's attractive because he propositioned her (2) She's a good girl because she turned that guy down. Her payoff is that she avoids the dangers of physical and emotional intimacy, gets her ego stroked and she might possibly attract the attention of a rich guy who wants a good girl to become his wife.
For this game to work, she is always somewhat attractive, somewhat interesting, somewhat fuckable or none of her silly shit would work. The man who plays Rapo with her finds her fuckable. He doesn't have to "like" her.
Men are not very discerning, as you may have noticed. They will fuck just about any woman who acts sexy. I, myself, nailed many a 2.3 to 4.1's in my youth and was very, very happy to have had the opportunity. (Thanks, Jayne McLain, wherever you are! I'll never forget you! Back seat of my '55 Chevy in the rain after swimming nude in the creek at Bryner's Mill, July 1961! Wow!)
Fact: males are indiscriminate (evolution prefers them that way). That means males are driven to drive their DNA into the future as often as possible.
Mother Nature created us to drive our DNA into the future as often as possible with as many different females as possible before we Gather at the River. To us men, courtship is a gigantic waste of time and money and energy. We could be driving our DNA into the future a hundred times while we fart around going to Knott's Berry Farm and out to dinner. We know that male-female homo sapiens courtship is just something we men have to do so our DNA can make the trip.
Steele Gets Blunt: If we men had our druthers, the hell with courtship! Grab your ankles Gertrude and brace yourself!
Have you seen shows on PBS about chimpanzee courtship and mating? That's the way most men would like it to be. "Let's fuck! Thanks!" Back to the game and another beer. Disgusting but true. Cultural anthropology about blue collar male sexual behavior documents this. Extrapolate what that means about all human males. This is not something that should shock women.
So, now let's insert, pardon the accidental pun, two uh, uh, queers into the above equation. Since they both are males, they don't want to waste time on courtship, just like men who prefer women, so Bruce says, "Paul, grab your ankles and brace yourself." Paul grabs his ankles. Bruce in his genetically cross-wired brain or his childhood traumatized cross-wired brain tries to drive his DNA into the future.
JT Said: a guy told me his rule: I don't spend a dime on a woman until I have slept with her. You spend big bucks, they leave.
Steele Sez: Whoever this guy is, I strongly suggest that you ease yourself out of his life immediately. This guy is a prick, user, slimeball.
However, as I preach, in the beginning, it is mandatory to keep everything low key, casual, inexpensive, easy to say yes to, and get to know each other. No flowers, no gifts, no romantic type dates. Then gradually escalate if it seems that the attraction is mutual and is intensifying.
JT Said: When she sleeps with you, she likes you a lot. Then if you spend big $$ and act like you like her a lot, since she likes you back the same, it works.
Steele Sez: In your value system, I know that having sex with a man means that the woman likes him a lot. However, that's not always a woman's motive for sex with him.
Think of all the other possibilities: (1) She's lonely and needs to be held and does not know how to get what she needs any other way (very common, by the way). (2) She's a horny human being who needs number four on Maslow's hierarchy like everyone else. (3) She believes and/or he has lead her to believe, that if she doesn't put out he's going on down the line.
There are many more reasons a woman has sex with a man. None of them has anything to do with liking him a lot.
JT Said: If you go overboard, and you seem like you like her more then she likes you, she leaves. That is one of the reasons nice guys fuck up. Nice guys, being men think: "She likes me a lot or not at all. Since she's going out with me, she must like me a lot."
Steele Sez: See Volume I of How to Date Young Women, last 1/3 of the book for my learned-the-hard-way version of why you have to control displays of affection and actions that mean, "I love you," for a long time. She has to be moving up the intensity scale with you, otherwise, as you say, she leaves. There are numerous reasons and methods presented to prevent this from happening. The most powerful, as always, it to have and maintain The Right Attitude.
JT Said: That is one of the reasons nice guys fuck up. Nice guys, being men, think: "She likes me a lot or not at all. Since she's going out with me, she must like me a lot."
Steele Sez: Men, nice guys or not, don't think that way. We don't think it's either or. Black or white. Yes or no. That's not how we think at all.
Regular men, not nice guys, think "Is she fuckable or not?" See disgusting truth above.
Nice guys want to be liked, loved and treated like they are worthwhile. They want it so badly they will grovel for it. They want it so badly they will buy roses and spend $$$$ and listen to sob stories and puke puke puke on and on. Nice guys want to be loved and nobody loves them. No female has ever loved them, possibly including mother, who for her own neurotic reasons, was cold and distant or abandoned him.
JT Said: Since she is willing to go out on a date with him, he thinks, "she likes me a lot".
Steele Sez: No. Nice Guy thinks. This might be the one who will love me. So I'll do what I've heard works, seen on TV and in the movies. I'll impress her. I'll spend a lot of money or I'll take shit or whatever. I want her to love me.
JT Said: So he treats her like the feeling is mutual. He is acting natural for what he feels, but since she does not feel the same way about him, it looks to her like he is going overboard. So, after a date, she blows him off because she gets scared off, feels guilty, or thinks he is worthless because if he valued himself he wouldn't go overboard over a women he does not even know.
The Nice Guy walks way and says she played Rapo or thinks she must like guys who treat her like shit.
Steele Sez: She says, "Let's just be friends," because he is not acting like a Man. He is not fit to be the father of her children because he is so needy and lonely and without self respect.
The Nice Guy walks away hurt, bewildered and confused. He gave her flowers. He was polite and kind and gentle and listened to her problems and on and on and then she said, "I just don't see you that way."
He thinks, "What am I doing wrong? Next time I'll try harder. I'll be nicer. I buy two dozen roses."
Nice guys are lonely and desperate but don't have a clue as to what they are doing wrong (until they have read The Right Attitude in Volume I of How to Date Young Women).
JT Said: So my idea is that when a man, nice guy or normal guy, dates a woman he either likes her a lot or he wouldn't date her.
Steele Sez: Not at all. We all need companionship and sex. We are all lonely sometimes. Everyone knows what it's like to feel that nobody cares. We all want somebody to listen. We all want somebody to hold. We all want somebody to give our heart to. We all want to love and to be loved return. We all do the best we can, mostly with good intentions.
JT Said: That is why Don wants you to have three pearls: So you do not go overboard with one YW. Right?
Steele Sez: Fer sure! You have the string of pearls so that you know in your heart and soul that if Debbie is not the one, I have others waiting in the wings. That prevents you from trying too hard, which she translates as, "I could have him if I wanted him." The End.
Thank you for the best, most productive, useful, practical, realistic post of 1999. This information will help inexperienced men of all ages understand why they have to control themselves and their emotions. Now they will know that you, and nearly all women, see a different world. Viva le difference!
Deal with lateness
Being late is often a disguised insult. At other times it is a test to see who's in charge. At all times being late is rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. Be assertive, not aggressive and be properly apologetic when you, yourself, are late.
Read and re-read Manuel Smith's book When I Say No I Feel Guilty. When you screw up, say you screwed up and then say you are sorry. Give a brief explanation. The briefer, the better. If a lengthy explanation is necessary, it must have been a major screw up.
Do not attempt to place blame on anyone other than yourself. Accept responsibility for being late. Acknowledge that it is rude if necessary. If she launches an attack, listen. Do not get defensive. Actively listen.
Use Smith's techniques such as, "You're right! I should have been paying attention to the time." "Yes, I can see that makes you feel like I don't think you're important to me. I would feel the same way. You are important. I'm sorry, I screwed up. Sorry."
Learning in the aftermath of divorce
Dear Don, I'm 39, divorced for 18 months after a 9-year marriage. Perhaps others could benefit from some of the things I have learned.
- If you've just gotten divorced, try not to make too many other major life changes too soon, like changing jobs or moving to a new town. I did all three at the same time and it compounds the stress.
- Listen to Don's advice about exercising consistently. Exercise will affect your moods, self-esteem, and body in positive ways.
- Some books advise you not to date during the first year after divorce, but give vague reasons for doing so. Naturally, I ignored the advice. Now I understand the problems. You damage your confidence by striking out repeatedly because you don't know what you're doing yet and because you radiate desperation. Proceed slowly. Spend the time reading Don's books, making new friends, and getting into shape.
- Don't wait around hoping for the woman with the perfect face and body. Life is passing you by while you restrict yourself in this way. Find someone reasonably attractive and fun and start dating and learning. Remember, to paraphrase Don, you don't have to marry everyone you date. Tic Toc.
- If there have been no signs of interest exchanged, you are probably wasting your time. Don covers this extensively in his books.
- Of the 9 women I have dated over the last year, (age range 24 - 44), more than half have had an abusive or alcoholic ex-husband/lover, and have subjected themselves to guys who deceived them horribly. They ignored what their women's intuition told them. Just because you are different and treat women well is no guarantee that they will find you attractive. It might even work against you. You must discover ways to make yourself attractive without being a jerk. As a recovering "nice guy", this has been one of my biggest challenges. Very few women will tolerate the "nice guy", regardless of what you may have heard or read.
- I have noticed that few men or women understand the value of time. Both sexes seem to drift through life squandering the chances for romance, or holding out for the perfect partner. Every minute you waste watching TV or playing video games is time you can't get back. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You won't get another chance to live your life. Make the most of your time by setting some worthwhile goals and begin working towards them. This applies to relationships as well as career or financial goals.
Invest some time into reading good books to help you re-learn dating
skills and develop confidence. How to Date Young Women Volumes 1&2 (Steele) Buy both volumes; a single chapter in these books contains as much useful information as entire books on dating from other authors. Body Language Secrets (Steele) Direct, practical, with good photos. - Name withheld by request
Martial arts and weight lifting
Martial arts and building big muscles is often a sign of deep insecurity and intense, unexpressed rage from being hurt so badly as a child. Only you know why you are doing what you are doing. If you suspect yourself, cure yourself. You, alone, are responsible for you. This was at the end of a semi-recent MOSB newsletter.
When you believe or feel or think there is a real threat, your life is in danger and you must be prepared to defend yourself, you are in the wrong part of town or are stupid enough to be in the wrong bar. If you must be in that part of town, wear Kevlar, carry a sawed off 12 gage under your coat and a .357 in your shoulder holster. (If you are in a bar, neither I nor my books can help you.)
Lifting weights and martial arts are useless against real threats. Anyone who wants to hurt you is not going to attack unless he has a gun (or you're stupid enough to be in a bar.) If you don't grasp this, you don't understand "bad guys." If you want to shoot it out with a career criminal who has speed pouring through his veins and feels invincible, join the Chicago Police Force. A friend of mine will explain real threats to you. Ask for Billy The Yid, no shit, that's his nickname. Mention R. Don Steele. Take a moment. Figure out why the other cops call him that.
I know you can't join because of your age. So, just think about why cops empty their guns into anyone who even acts somewhat like a threat. Why do you believe they do that? Do they know that "bad guys" are fucking dangerous? Or do you think they do it to deny the whacko his civil rights?
There are guys who collect guns and play with them. These uh, males, are so angry, so insecure so impotent, so hurt by rejection that they are genuinely crazy. They fantasize about killing people. One of these uh, uh, neurotics is known on the internet as DA WUSS. He's reading this newsletter right along with you!
What if you pissed off a whacko like that? Of what use would muscles, martial arts and weight lifting be? Think about it. You don't know whom you are fucking with out there. Angry, insecure, disturbed assholes with guns under their car seats look just like all other dweebs and geeks and nerds.
However, if you want to impress a woman by doing your Bruce Lee imitation in the Hilton's bar, that's your business. Not me. Why? Because I believe that nowadays, everybody has a gun. You can believe what you want.
As long as you think there is a threat "out there" my books and what I teach won't be of much use. Being on guard is not attractive to women, young women in particular. They like a Man who is relaxed, confident and radiates power.
Women are not aroused by someone who's prepared for attack by an unseen foe. That's insecure, immature and repulsive to any and all human beings.
|