The Backlash! - January 1997

All men are rapists

A modest proposal

by Allistair McAllistair, Contributing editor, Alladin's Window

Copyright © 1994 by Allistair McAllistair

I had suspected that Mohammed was a rapist, and I had certainly felt justified in conjecturing that Moses engaged in violent sex acts (since he never married). But it certainly surprises me to learn that such a wit as Marilyn French is the daughter of a rapist. From now on I will address her as DOAR French (Dr. for short), rather than the less stately "Ms." (DOAR, of course, stands for "Daughter Of A Rapist.)

Actually, the amazing thing is that Christians have not adequately respond to Dr. French's assertion that Jesus was a rapist. We know that many Christians use the English language and so would be informed of the new status ascribed to Jesus by Dr. French.

Obviously, if the reader is male, he should know that he is a rapist, according to Dr. French. The insight of this feminist truly touches every man who can appreciate its veracity. More importantly, the reader should note that we are all the children of rapists. We will need to change all documents conformably, so that, especially those who pray (including all members of Western denominations) can now recite: "Our Father who art a rapist,..."

Thank goodness people such as Dr. French have been able to persuade Congress to enact legislation which may severely punish any man who has thoughts of hostility toward anything female. The Violence Against Women Act truly reflects the need to protect women from evil men, who seek to cause harm to females. Furthermore, since we now know (thanks to Dr. French) that "all men are rapists," we need not waste valuable time with court proceedings when a man has been charged with a crime by a female citizen. We already know he is a rapist. All that remains to be done is to strap him to the electric chair and throw the switch.

It really is unfortunate that the world was not privy to the remarkable insights of feminists such as Dr. French back in the days of Galileo. Imagine how much simpler it would have been for the pope to dispose of that wicked troublemaker and his telescopes if we had known that he was actually a rapist and nothing more. Never mind about Shakespeare. His reputation for deflowering innocent females is duly recorded by his own hand in the sexist literature that he put into plays. What a monstrous label "plays" seems, now that we fully comprehend the import of Shakespeare's nefarious plots against all women.

We could, it occurs to me, solve this ugly problem of masculine debauchery simply by extending the currently fashionable practice of cutting off the foreskins of male babies. By "extending" it, I mean to make it a much more extensive operation. Why not just remove the entire organ at birth? Certainly, this would not limit the ability of males to perform the necessary functions of contributing labor to society. After all, a man without his organ of oppression may in fact provide a more energetic display of commitment to the labor force. For purposes of reproduction, those males who display above average propensity for hard work might be used for breeding purposes merely by extracting the sperm from the testes surgically. Dr. French and her feminist colleagues, having previously shown their brilliance by pointing out the molester mentality of all men, can no doubt be counted upon to help organize the appropriate committees to make this wonderful ideas into a reality.

There remains the problem of what to do with those unruly males who may themselves organize some sort of resistance to these feminist mandates. Little boys who act up can have their present doses of ritalin increased until such time as they present no further threat to our orderly society. Young male hoodlums who persist must without doubt be subject to the same kind of treatment as newborn males. The police and military forces already under the command of government feminist policies may offer some initial opposition, but their wives can deal with that after the fashion of Saint Lorena Bobbitt.

The feminist leader who reported on 60 Minutes that "it's not enough to cut their balls off," was referring to the fact that "the problem is the way they think," and consequently most of the males who resist efforts to correct their rapacious behavior must be imprisoned for life. This may provide the means to continue medical studies and experimentation that would otherwise be impossible due to the protestations of animal rights activists.

The benefits to all women of converting the useless male into a productive element of our newly ordered social agenda cannot be exaggerated. Even more thrilling, Dr. French's pronouncement gives us the means by which we can accomplish these ends. Inasmuch as the mere uselessness of males has failed to stimulate sufficient support for the appropriate measures that could put males to good use, the new way of looking at penis people can bestow an immeasurable windfall on all women.

Knowing that all men are rapists, and understanding what needs to be done to rapists, women of the caliber of Dr. French can begin at once to get the knives busy. When you're dealing with rapists, cut first and ask questions later.

Allistair McAllistair is a contributing editor to Aladdin's Window, 28936 Shingle Creek Lane, Shingletown, CA 96088-9658

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