Left unshared, many fleeting moments come and go. Excepting times between fathers whose son's have made their first double play at baseball diamond; It is at such moments we leave our masks behind.
Momentarily, pride shines through. In one instant we're all things great and small. Being men, remembering boyhood, reliving it through our sons, sometimes through our daughters. It's a much tougher world today in which to be a father, to live up to a role which has lost much of it's meaning. To find a sense of renewal. To remove the "warpaint".
Once, I had that "hope eternal", several times a week, leading the most urban Scouting group in Canada. It was here that I first learned of Male Spirit.
Baden-Powell, the founder of Scouting had a vision of "boy-men" serving the needs of children, teaching with games. In a sense his idea was to teach through feeling, so that the feeling was healing. Any leader of children knows that feeling that the world could melt away, as the child in his charge looks up to him, brimming full of faith, that they could do just about anything, because someone believes in them.
I've shared that sacred space around many campfires over the years, in song and the mad ritual dances I taught such lads. The role of Scoutmaster was one that brought much healing, allowing me to be who I was, rather than who I was supposed to be.
Children are very accepting - adults however usually take some time to warm up to you. However it has always been my experience in scouting that it only takes a weekend of camping fun and frivolity to loosen up the child in just about any adult.
It was with this experience I came to London, Ontario last August. In anticipation of awakening a part of myself that I might share with others like-minded. To enter that sacred space once again, in hopes of sharing it within my work with divorced fathers in Toronto.
To sing and chant, dance and contemplate, cleansing through poetry, diet, sharing, games and focused attitude. 23 companions, were guided in a journey from the wilderness of Maya to the reality of here and now; of who and what we potentially are in any given moment, should we choose to be still and listen to the desires of the male heart.
Brother Joe and his colleague Hal Dressel took us through a series of exercises designed to strip away artifice, and release possibilities. Over the course of the weekend, we came face to face with our potentialities, honestly and unashamed.
There were two exercises that stick out in my mind as having an overwhelming presence of universality.
The first being an opening exercise where we expressed everything that was in our hearts, having appointed "four scribes" from our numbers. The "scribes" wrote around the rainbow hearts upon two poster sheets all the desires that too often lay unexpressed, buried deeply within our hearts.
These were the desires of the male heart - who we really wished to be.
As the exercise concluded, hurtful things we had been told by others were shared as we ripped at the hearts, expressing who we are "made" to be. Finally there was nothing left but a heart in tatters - a good metaphor for what happens to men's desires as we are ridiculed, shamed, told that "big boys don't cry", or to "take it like a man".
Two images came to mind - all the hopeful boys I've led in Scouting, and all the broken fathers I've struggled to help who have faced the ugliest of divorces, their lives in ruin over untrue allegations, their spirits crushed as they are separated from loving and guiding their offspring, their psyche's permanently scarred as they are reduced to mere open wallets, paying for a fantasy based upon revenge of a partner who has forgotten how to love, cherish, honour, obey, serve, put the children's needs for both parents first.
In some of us, tears began to well up. Our journey had begun...
The second exercise that comes to mind took place on the final day of the retreat, involving two circles of men.
The first circle sat waiting to hear the words of the father, the unspoken words they needed so badly to hear. The second outer circle spoke the words of the father, the words they wished their fathers had spoken to them:
"I was so wrong about you - please forgive me..."There wasn't a dry eye in the house."I'm so glad we have been able to forgive each other, before my time is up..."
"You are my pride and joy son..."
"I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you..."
"Please forgive me for not being the dad you needed me so badly to be..."
Grown men - from all walks of life, from the stereotypical "jock", or "sensitive male" and anything one could imagine in between these polarities.
There was a real joy in the end from this sharing - it cleansed us of a lot of the crap we guys suck back day in and out without complaint. In my case, I was literally "high" for several days afterwards.
I've not spoken with my brothers since then. However I recognize their faces, hopes, dreams aspirations, and disappointments each and every day in my private practice helping divorced fathers as a paralegal counselor & fatherwork coach/mentor.
I often recognize one of these brothers in spirit as I speak to divorced fathers at the meetings, clinics and workshops I run on Monday evenings at Toronto Fathers Resources. When I hear such pain, I remember they are speaking not of their pain, but in reality of the frustrations of having the "Desires of the Male Heart" ripped to shreds.
So I speak of healing - of the need for children to learn problem solving from their parents in order to learn how to resolve conflict. I speak of the opportunity divorce presents them to teach their children how to heal "The desires of their heart".
This Christmas I shall give a gift of understanding to these fathers. I shall draw two hearts, rainbow coloured to bring to them at the Toronto Fathers Resources meetings.
Caught in the form rather than the spirit - I'm a victim of Maya yet again, being that it is several months since leaving that sacred space. The struggle I face is to integrate knowledge through games and song to those with a desperate need for healing.
Successes have been slow since. However seeds have been planted. For example, in my fatherwork, I arranged a retreat for dad's and their kids at one father's cottage property in the Southern Ontario region known as the Muskoka's.
While we did not follow the tenets of Eastern, Native American and Sufism philosophies that comprised Male Spirit as we practiced in London, there was a certain kinship: We ate organic vegetarian meals, we all helped each other with chores, we all spent time having fun with the children, we all sang songs, myself and another gentleman having brought guitars. He sang Cat Stevens songs
Me I played the rock n' roll I love so well. There was something very healing in watching our children sing and dance around like lunatics to my playing "The Game of Love" a pop song by Wayne Fontana recorded in the mid 60's:
"The purpose of a man is to, love a woman and the purpose of a woman is to love a man, Come on baby let's contemplate Come on baby let's play... The game of love (love), love (love) la la la la la love..."Since that time, we've held two more retreats. Learning what works and what does not others have expressed interest in the idea of doing something positive instead of sitting around and carping. However most of these guys would have difficulty going directly into a traditional Male Spirit program, so I'm trying to be a bit inventive, creating the rock n' roll equivalent...
I have a long way to go yet with it, but the potential excites me. I may have found a bridge between the mythopoetic culture/tradition of Male Spirit and those who need something a bit more familiar, "Western" and contemporary.
There are three of us who are spearheading this effort. Myself, another father by the name of Chuck and a gentleman by the name of John. Another father by the name of Paul is interested in joining our efforts. His interest is in securing some crown land and building a retreat centre for fathers and their children where we can pursue these ideas.
We are exploring how we might adapt the ideas we've learned in experiences such as Male Spirit, shamanism, drumming, healing, chanting, running a men's shelter, working with fathers, playing rock n' roll or folk music, hunting for mushrooms and edible plants, Scouting, wilderness camping etc.
Perhaps we are inventing something new in men's/fatherwork. I believe it is a connection that needs to be made between the many branches of our movement - men supporting men, recognizing the value inherent within the many cultures and subcultures to be found within men's/fatherwork.
What I've learned since last August's retreat is this;
The desires of the male heart are unending, generous when properly harnessed, filled with possibilities undreamed of and songs yet to be sung by small children, who masquerade as full grown adults or fathers from time to time.
At heart though, we shall always remain the boy-men of Peter Pan, much like the vision Baden-Powell had so log ago of a fraternity of the elder brother guiding the younger in their quest for truth.
It is the spirit within the male that is the important quality, the form in which it resides can take many shapes, all equally valid, all having something in common, that is recognizable beyond Maya, when voices are stilled within.
Pax be yours.
Danny Guspie is a paralegal counselor working with divorced fathers, children and families going through the difficulties of divorce. He leads Toronto Fathers' Resources, a group for divorced fathers that holds weekly meetings, workshops, clinics. Long distance participation is possible through the use of audio recordings of the meetings. Speaker, writer, facilitator, workshop leader, he's available by contacting Modus Operandi International Corp. at 416-861-0626.Brother Joseph Kilikevice, O.P., is a Friar in the Dominican Order, founding director of SHEM Center, and an experienced director of interfaith retreats in the Creation Spirituality tradition. This has included twelve years of developing the Male Spirit retreat model. His personal growth continues through the many friends he has made in his travels doing retreat work, and in the creative processes, ritual, song and sacred dance he uses in his work. Male Spirit weekends can be arranged by contacting him at Shem Centre at 708-848-9772.
Hal Dessel, M.S.W., is an experienced marriage and family therapist and an addictions and co-dependency counselor in private practice in Milwaukee. He guides six experiential therapy groups weekly. He lived and worked among the Lakota people on the Rosebud Sioux Reservation in South Dakota for ten years. He has found his life deeply enriched by Native American and twelve step spiritualities. This is Hal's seventh year as co-director of Male Spirit retreats. Hal can be reached by contacting Shem Centre at 708-848-9772.
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