"How do you know when it's love? I can't tell you but it lasts forever." Van Halen, OU812

"If it is meant to be," he'll find a way. "If it is meant to be," you'll just happen to bump into one another atop the Empire State Building one fine May afternoon. "If it is meant to be," everything in your lives will conspire to bring you together. "If it is meant to be."

Like the old Doris Day song about "whatever will be, will be."

Speaking of a love lost to her long ago, Yetta sighed and told me, "If it was meant to be, it would have been."

"Just because something is meant to be," I replied, "does not mean it will be." We are, after all, free to choose.

Remember the story of the religious man caught by a flood. Warning came: the river will flood, flee while you can. "If it is meant to be," he replied "God will save me." The flood came. Stranded, he sat on the roof of his house waiting for God to save him. A boat came. "Leave me" he said, "if it is meant to be, God will save me." A helicopter came. "Don't fret for me," he called out, "if it is meant to be, God will rescue me." After he drowned, he approached God and asked, "Lord, why did you let me drown? Why didn't you save me?" To which God replied, "I sent you a warning, then a boat, then a helicopter. What were you expecting, a legion of angels?"

That's the thing about being human: we are free to choose. Tricky thing, free will. Taking responsibility is part of the package. We can choose to do what is meant to be and not to do what we shouldn't, not do what is meant to be and do what we shouldn't, or take no responsibility at all, leave everything up to chance, and sigh "whatever will be, will be."

Feminists like Catharine MacKinnon complain about this. She says women are that way because men want them to be that way so they'll be passive, easy to push around, rape, get them to do the dishes. Yet even in Marilyn French's recent book, The War Against Women, we find passing references to how most men, even in the most patriarchal societies, prefer women who are not passive.

Well, okay, so that was in reference to sex, not to the larger context of life in the big city. Here in the states, however, according to a recent survey on traditional versus equal partnership marriage relationships, American men reported that they are much happier in fifty-fifty relationships. That they do prefer relationships with women who are full partners. So, whatever was true about men wanting women to be passive, it's no longer true. At least not in America.

Ironically, in the same survey women reported being less satisfied in such relationships. Taking responsibility has a price. But, as Betty Friedan noted in her landmark book, The Feminine Mystique, the rewards of being an adult -- full participation in life -- far outweigh the cost.

Jill was excited about a man she just met. He was gorgeous and fun. They flirted and exchanged phone numbers, and now she was waiting for him to make the next move. "Will he call?" she fretted. All day long, she worried about it. Finally, she took the initiative, called him, made a date, and they were both glad she did.

More and more, men expect women to meet them half way. We have to, because we know that if we misread a woman's cues or signals, we can be accused of sexual harassment, stalking, or, in extreme cases, even date rape. As a friend at IBM once told me, "I never make the second move."

What that means for women is that the more passive they are, they are less likely to have relationships with sensitive, intelligent men, and more likely to fall prey to domineering men who are prone to violence.

In this cultural climate, then, the price of passivity for women is to be a victim, see another woman get the relationship meant for her, or worse.

If it is meant to be, it is up to each one of us to see to it that it happens. The best way to do that is not to sit around waiting for a legion of angels to let us know, a magical moment to make everything clear, or Cosmo horoscopes, but to get into the habit of making ethical choices. Get into the habit of doing right, and what is meant to be, will be.

Regards

Rod Van Mechelen

Rod Van Mechelen is the author of What Everyone Should Know about Feminist Issues: The Male-Positive Perspective (the page now includes several articles by other authors), and the publisher of The Backlash! @ Backlash.com. He is a member of the Cowlitz Indian Tribe and served for 9-1/2 years on the Cowlitz Indian Tribal Council.