While most of us shame to some degree, my guess is that women use it more than men. Perhaps this is a result of the size difference between men and women. Men have used their larger size to intimidate and control people. Women have had to resort to more subtle devices, such as shame.
On an individual level, the shaming of men by women usually takes the form of name-calling. Words like, "jerk" and "wimp" are examples of this. "I resent that," also indicates that a woman wants a man to change his behavior. Often, there are good reasons for the man to change. But often, there aren't.
Women will probably continue to shame men. We have no control over that. But we do have control over how we react to it.
So, if you feel a woman shaming you to try to get you to change your behavior, and you can't come up with any good reasons why you should, ask her for an explanation. Weigh the arguments. Don't change on the basis of shame alone.
Women can also use shame in a more general way. This use of shame allows feminists to realize their agenda with little opposition. It is used to silence men.
First of all, please understand that feminists should not get everything they want. Certainly, feminists can be just as unreasonable and greedy as anyone else. To make this point in another way, let's assume for a moment that you are looking for a word to describe the concept of "the movement striving for equality of the sexes." And let's assume that you come up with the word "masculism" to describe this movement. Pretty absurd, isn't it? Yet feminism often defines itself as the movement striving for equality of the sexes. This, of course, is also absurd. Feminism strives for the rights and interests of women, not for equality. As such, feminism needs a complementary movement striving for the interests of men in order for equality to be achieved. We need masculism to keep feminism honest.
But that's the problem. To a large degree feminism has shamed men into silence in the political sphere. Men haven't complained enough when feminism has gone beyond equality or has ignored those areas where women have always had the edge. Shame, as well as chivalry and paternalism, have allowed feminism to get away with murder.
How do women politically shame men into silence? Ad hominems, again, play an important part. Words like "misogynist," and "chauvinist" help stifle any opposition to feminism. Vague concepts like "patriarchy" can also be used -- often women shame all men because of the behavior of a few. The use of hypothetical statements which cannot be verified, is another way to shame men. An example of this is, "If men could get pregnant, ..." Whenever you hear the phrase "women had children," you are probably being shamed. Women hissing at movie screens, and slogans like, "Men just don't get it" are other examples.
The media seem to be aiding feminism. Several hours of daily television talk shows belittle men and their interests. Commercials also join in. Even television news shows and newspaper and magazine articles focus on women's issues and feminist spokespeople. And the book shelves are packed with books to shame men into silence. A few examples are Women Respond to the Men's Movement, Backlash, You Just Don't Understand, The Beauty Myth, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, and The War Against Women.
Backlash, by Susan Faludi, is the most interesting to me. I have been waiting a long time for men to effectively speak out against the excesses of feminism. I must admit I was surprised when I found out from Ms. Faludi that a backlash was threatening to destroy feminism. How had I missed this effective backlash?
Of course, I hadn't. This "backlash" was only starting to come forward. Faludi's book was an attempt to stop the nascent backlash before it had a chance to get going. It was another effort to shame men into silence. Please, don't be shamed into silence. Speak out against feminism's excesses.
Let the Backlash begin!
Email to the Editor -- If you don't want your email to be considered for publication in the "Email to the Editor" column, say so.