Pere Noel ponders Christmas in the Pokey
By Robert Sides
Mr. Claus gives us pause as PC police grill famed global gift giver
Police log, North Pole 1994
1994 Boston, MA - Santa Claus (a.k.a. "Kris Kringle," "Pere Noel," and "St. Nick") spent Christmas Eve in jail, disappointing kids the world over. He was "en hoosegow" because his wife, Mrs. Claus (a.k.a. "Mrs. Second-class Kringle," nee "Vicki Tumm of Polar Patriarchy") obtained a restraining order.
First she accused him of "stalking." Then said he had too many "hang-ups." Finally she admitted he just had a fetish for hanging up stockings. When she was told this was not enough to arrest a man, the Santessa mouthed the magic words, "I'm afraid for my safety." That did it. From then on, Mr. Claus's Christmas goose was cooked. In fact, when Mrs. C. claimed "spousal abuse" ("He abandons me each year for 24 hours without so much as a fare-thee-well or a fal-la-la.), his goose was nuked.
On Christmas day, Mrs. Claus filed for divorce. She seeks half the marital workshops, the South Pole, and custody of their 2 billion children.
Police detectives, working in close gender harmony with male-bashing feminists, compiled the following list of damning "facts". The items were read verbatim into the minutes of the North Pole Council Meeting:
"Be it resolved that the accused is a well-known criminal, having broken into millions of households, usually at night, via chimneys. Further, let it be noted that said Kris Kringle ...
The above accusations proved beyond an unreasonable doubt that Mr. Claus was a man beneath contempt. So the Council voted unanimously to "correct" him. They scolded the hyper-hirsute Jolly Old Soul, and demanded henceforth and forever, he...
- ...has a serious eating-disorder, gorging solely on cookies and milk. This causes his stomach to distend into what one well-known gutologist calls a "jello-like" mass.
- ...is known to laugh to himself at odd times, and for strange reasons.
- ...discriminates by hiring only elves for his workshops.
- ...routinely disturbs the peace by yelling "Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas" and other dead white mentionables.
- ...wears animal fur on his person.
- ...cruelly abuses his reindeer, forcing them to haul, by air, huge sacks of toys.
- ...maintains a monopoly over said hauling, refusing to let dog sleds, UPS, carrier pigeons, or the U.S. Postal Service compete for lucrative routes.
- ...is a cuckold: each year millions of neo-"non-believers" assert their parents aren't from the North Pole.
- ...may be the Reverse Sultan of Brunei, owing as much child support as the sheik owns harems. Some swear his arrearages date back several thousand years...B.C.!
- ...is a manic-depressive, letting work build up for 51 weeks each year, then forcing elves to work over-time (at minimum wage) to deliver the entire year's production in one night.
- ...is a known sexist. He lets neither Mrs. Claus, nor any other female lead his reindeer, drive his sleigh, or deliver the goodies.
- ...won't let Rudolph share power. In fact, Mr. Claus won't hire any "different-
nosed" lead deer. Further, he refuses to equip Rudy with state-of-the-art collision-
- ...pushes drugs on children, especially one called "Shoogerplumz." A horrific hallucinogen, it induces "visions that dance in the heads" of young addicts.
- ...is anti-social, living in isolation atop the world. The SPCA is suspicious, being unable to monitor the treatment of Donder and Blitzen, et al; and the nattering nabobs of N.O.W. are furious, since they can't get dirt on Santa if Ms. C. doesn't show up to their meetings.
- ...is suspected of hiding a dark past (perhaps knowledge of the fourth Wise Man?). Why else would an honest man hide his face behind billows of beard, and hanks of hair?"
He is also to re-paint said sleigh pink, and equip it with turbo-thrusters, a fax/modem, cellular phone, diet soda machine, salad bar, and a Midol(TM) dispenser.
- "...wear polyester suits in lieu of fur.
- ...hire gnomes, trolls, gremlins, grinches, leprechauns, munchkins, short guys named "Tattoo," and fairies instead of elves.
- ...ride shotgun in the sleigh, letting Ms. Claus drive.
Santa could not be reached directly for comment, being otherwise employed. To pay off back-dated child-support, he must now work Memorial Day, Easter, July 4th, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Take Our Daughters to Work Day, and even Disparage Boys and Men Again Day. But he sent us a message through his attorney, Bernie:
- ...have the option of riding a luge as Mr. Anti-Scrooge, far behind Ms. C's load of felicity.
- ...employ on his sled team animals that "look like America" (amended to "the world"). This means not just reindeer, but frogs, walruses, Tasmanian devils, gila monsters, water buffaloes, slugs, tweety-birds, bunny wabbits, and silly geese.
- ...make sure half the sled team is also named Rudolphina, or Donna and Belinda, or Commetta and Cuca.
- ...tell all kids to leave him only nutritional foods, like lettuce sandwiches, soyburgers, and tofutti.
- ...work out regularly.
- ...shave off his hair, like Sinead O'Claus. Or tie it back in a ponytail, a la Steven Segal-Kringle.
- ...leave children not foolish toys, but sensible shoes, collections of feminist filosofy, and/or environmentally-safe lullabies like "I am Woman, Hear me Snore."
- ...does the actual dirty work of dropping off ponderous packages, while Ms. Claus gets equal pay.
- ...does said dropping-off only under the supervision of court-appointed child "guardians ad nauseam."
- ...forsake the hackneyed "Ho-ho-ho!" for a more inclusive "Yo-ho-mo!"; a more sensitive "Merry Hanna-kwaanza!"; and a more culturally-diverse "Busta cool yule, fool!"
- ...agree not to scare Ms. Claus with inappropriate gifts, hugs, snuggles, endearments, leerments, looks, thoughts, thoughts-about-thoughts, or even dreams-
about-thoughts-about-thoughts-about looks, so help him Goddess!
- ...stop invading privacy, and stop enforcing his ethno-Nordic nudginess by asking, "who's naughty and nice?"
- ...and continue to tell girls they are sugar, spice, everything nice and free to blame boys for each and every screw-up in their lives."
"Merry Christmas? Humbug! There'll be no peace on Earth until men lash back! You want a gift? Here 'tis: take no jive in '95. Kick anti-male rear in the new year. Or forever hold your piece, 'cause sure as shootin', feminists'll seek 'em as 'severance' pay."
Robert Sides lives in Boston, delivering coal to fill feminist stockings.